Through my eyes

It's been awhile

2007-10-30T11:04:00.000-04:00

Wow it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I know that I made my husband sound really bad last time and I was feeling all that at the moment but my emotions have been going up and down, up and down here lately. I thought it was just normal PMS but woohoo I'm pregnant. I'm SO excited and so is DH. We've been trying to have another one for almost a year. I had even made an appt with a fertility specialist. Go figures that I find out about the baby a few days after I set the appt. I have been a bundle of nerves and sickness since before I found out. I SO thought I had a stomach bug. I was waking up in the middle of the night to puke. Now it's just during the day. I'm SO SO tired but I can't sleep and when I do it's restless and I end up hitting or kicking DH and he gets NO sleep. Several nights this last week we've slept on the couch just so we can get some sleep but it hasn't worked. It really doesn't help that Ryan thinks that 5:30am is an acceptable time to get up. Then when I do get a chance to nap I just can't fall asleep. This is going to an extremely long 9 months. I don't go see the doc until next month but I imagine I'm going to be high risk with gestational diabetes and having a prior preterm baby with placenta previa with my last pregnancy. I'm dreading them telling me that I have to be on bed rest. I have no one to help me during the day with the kids and we will have all of them right before I'm due. The kids seem excited to get a new brother or sister. I'm really hoping this one is a girl. We need another girl around here to even out the hormonal balance around here. Right now there are 3 boys and two girls. One more boy will just push the testosterone level in the house way to high!! But only time will tell. I just wish I could get a nap *yawn*

Yet Again

2007-09-07T22:44:00.000-04:00

Yet again I am upset. I get extremely jealous of my husband. Not of other women but of time he gets to spend out of the house. He's away right now doing recruiting and staying with another recruiter and his wife. Well in talking to him last night I guess this other recruiter is haveing "issues" and needs to get out of the house so they are going to go play some pool and a bar/grill. Now if it were me he would be like fuck no your not going, not without me. This happens everytime he goes TDY and even at home. I know some of the functions he goes to is Army required fun but he's still getting to go out and drink and have a break from the kids. Do I ever get a break??? No! Even when he's home and I beg him to get me out of the house or even to get a break from the kids there's always a reason we can't. Not enough money, no babysitter, etc.... This last weekend was the first time he's taken me to a movie in over a year and the only reason he did was because someone else gave us the money as a gift. I'm getting so wore thin with this. A person can only take so much before they break. When he's home yeah he tries to give me a break here or there and make dinner and look after the kids but I'm still IN the house so the kids are still there. Don't get me wrong I love my kids but I need some me time. And you know he has no concept of what I go through. When he's gone it's 24/7 kids and takeing care of someone else. When he's home it's just adding one person that I take care of to the list. I thin kwhat really set me off tonight is that it's almost 11 they were going at about 8:30 and he was supose to call me back tonight knowing I've been up since 5:30 and doing an FRG function that was as close to basic training that a civilian gets. It was all day of physical activity and I'm tired. So I tried to call him and no answer. That always makes me nervous. Don't get me wrong I trust my husband but it makes me nervous just the same. Then it pushes home the fact that he's out on a Friday night without the kids and without me and it's been a year since I've been out and that was only ONCE out of the 3 or 4 times I've been out in 3 years. He wonders why I'm so stressed and I'm so sensetive about this. I got my feelings hurt a few weeks because he went out with his mom to a work function of hers. Now I wasn't upset that he went, he hasn't spent time with his mom just her and him in a long time and they needed that. But I was yet again jealous of the fact that he got to go out without the kids and that he danced with her. The last time he went dancing with me was over two years ago. It wouldn't be so bad except when I bring it up while he's away he PROMISES that when he gets home things will change and nothing does. When he was in Iraq he made me promise not to go out or really do anything for my birthday because he wanted to be the one to take me out, it's almost a year later and did he do something for my birthday. NOPE, never even brought up. When we first got together and my friends would ask me to go out I wouldn't because he couldn't go with me and he asked me not to go but promised he would take me out when he could. Still we haven't gone out. It just gets me down because everything else always seems to come first.

A day in the life .......

2007-09-06T19:14:00.000-04:00

I feel like a freakin hypochondriac with every friggin thing that's wrong with me and it seems to be getting WORSE. I hate going to the doctor because they just look at me like I have a penis growing out of my head and then shove pills down my throat. I wouldn't be so bad if I could at leats get some consistant care, but everytime I go in it's a different doctor and they only want to discuss one health issue instead of the whole picture. Dumbasses did you ever think that they could all be RELATED and maybe pointing to a bigger problem. I have SO many referrals to specialists it's not even funny. I have recently found a support sightfor women woth PCOS (which they think I have) and I don't feel so alone because there are alot of ladies there who feel like I do. Days like today and weeks like this one EXAUST me. First it was up at the crack of dawn to get Layna to school, then hurry up and at least PICK my pig stye of house before Ryan's PT gets here. I've been sick so my household skills have been lacking. Then it's call to see if I can bring Ryan to my Ultrasound appt which was immediately following his physical therapy. Which they tell me that they do not allow children. Gee great now what am I supose to do?? I then had to cancel a meeting with our new CO because I overbooked him and a counceling appt w/ Layna (to much going on at once). About that time the Regimental legal assistant calls me about tomorrow's Spouses Spur Ride and getting Ryan into child care. I had to pull out at the last minute because Ryan has a rash from his neck to his toes and the CDC won't take him with the rash, what daycare would? I jumped through major hoops last week just to get him enrolled because of his cerebral Palsy everything is jumping through major hoops. Well she talked to the CDC and they said if it's not contagious and they don't have to put ointment on him then he can go. UMM what part of he has a rash covering from head to toe don't you understand? So I have to call her back after I try yet again to get him into the doctor to no avail and just tell her he has to have at least desitin on him or he'll start bleeding from the rash so it's a no go with the daycare. I have Layna's counceling appt where we discuss the possibility of Layna's wetting being a medical condition and the hoops I'm going to have to jump to get her seen by a specialist. Great MORE doctors and appt, like I don't have enough already. Its only 2 by this time we get out of there. Ryan has not had a nap yet and he's rasing hell but I still have to go grocery shopping. We have little to NO food. Did that in an hour, got home and still had to call my ladies or email them on the FRG list about the baby shower I'm throwing next week. Which is another thing that a yet again had to cancel or reschedule a few weeks ago because of being sick and a death in the family. Hopefully the ladies will understand since it was canceled by the CO at the last minute and I don't think he gave them an explenation. Now I'm home and I have to put away the dishes and the groceries (which I hate with a passion), I can't get Ryan to sleep for a nap and it's getting to late to put him down for an afternoon nap anyways. Great his rash is worse again and he's cut up his poor ding ding trying to scratch at it. Then it's off to make dinner and feed them. I have I mentioned that I did not have time to eat in all this running around and appts. I *think* I have Ryan down for the night but with him you never know and then tomorrow I have the Spouses Spur ride that I'm not participating in BUT I do have to go and make an appearance where I will be the only one without a husband there. I know I'm the FRG leader but I HATE going to these functions when everyone else has thier husbands there. I know it's not like mine is deployed BUT I just went through this with him being deployed and I thought I was getting a small break. This is what almost everyday is like I need a vacation or something.

Being a single Parent

2007-09-06T10:04:00.000-04:00

I have again run itno issues with being the one and only at home right now. I was supose to go this morning and have an ultrasound done and I don't have a babysitter for Ryan. I never even thought about getting one until this morning. But it's just my luck that they do not allow kids and I would need someone to watch him. Why does this always happen when DH is away. I once had to have a pap smear done after Ryan was born and the doctor YELLED at me for bringing him and Layna. She almost refused to do it. I was in a place where I didn't know anybody and my husband was deployed so I had noone to watch them. Which is usualy the case. I just wish DH was home to help me.

Trials and Tribulations

2007-09-05T20:48:00.000-04:00

I have a special needs child. There's so much yet so little in that one little sentence. Does this make him different? Yes, does it make him better or worse than other kids? NO. He's just different. And with being different he brings his own difficulties to the table. It makes takes doing normal parenting things to a whole new level. Tonight were playing the "Go to bed game". His Ocupational Therpaist thought it was a good idea to put him in a toddler bed. He was grabbing the sides of his crib and pulling so hard he was putting holes in the wall. The amount of upper body strength in this two year old is just amazing. But with putting him in a toddler bed he can now get out anytime he wants to. Everynight and afternoon is a fight. He use to be SO scheduled. Down for a nap at 11, bedtime was 8 and he'd get up at 7. Now it takes two hours just to get him to stay put so it's 10 pm by the time he gets to bed and then he gets up at 5:30 am. Sleep has been something elusive to me since he was born. Right now we're doing the bed time fight. I know that being in a toddler bed is good for him. I know that treating him just like every other child is the right thing to do. I just wish it wasn't so exausting. I would like to be able to put my energies into other things. My husband, my other kids, and sometimes even myself. I know I sound selfish but he's been my constant companion since I brought him home from the NICU. Twent-four/seven of Ryan. I love him, but I need a break. The words Burn out constantly come to mind and then I feel guilty for even wanting some me time.

Another Day

2007-09-05T18:26:00.000-04:00

Well it's an end to another day. Another day by myself. Another day with a migraine that I can't get rid of. I hate this being by myself. If I wanted to be a single parent I wouldn't have remarried. I hear all the time "You knew what you were getting into when you married a man in the Army" and it makes me SO mad. Just because I knew there would be deployments, TDY, schools, and anything else the Army can throw at us to keep him away, doesn't mean that I have to LIKE it. Yes it's my lot in life but that doesn't mean that I can't complain about it. I guess I should be happy that he's not in Iraq, but we've done our Iraq time. He was in Iraq for one year, came home, then his unit got extended and he was sent back over for another 4-6 months being one of the last to come home. I wasn't with him but he's been to Bosnia and Kosovo to, so I would say he's done his time. Now after only being here 6 months he's now on an extended TDY, recruiting of all things. He hates it, I hate it and I'm damn tired of doing everything by myself. I've spent the last 3 years (yes I said 3)being alone. I am lucky in the fact that we now have internet and cell phones and we can communicate that way. But it still sucks big fat donkey Balls. Yet I sit and wait for him to come home. Why? Because I love him and he loves the Army.

First Hair cut

2007-09-05T09:45:00.000-04:00

I am so Fucking pissed off right now. Someone cut my sons hair without asking my husband or myself permission. We had discussed cutting/trimming his hair and decided on trimming the front but leaving his curls on the side and the back. We talked about all this with my in-laws because they think all of his hair needs to be cut. I'm sorry but he's MY son and I will decide when he gets his hair cut. They are worried that he'll be mistaken for a girl. NOONE has ever mistaken him for a fucking girl. Sun night we left him with my in-laws so that we could go to a movie. Our first in over a year and it seems while we were gone someone took it upon themselves to cut his fucking bangs. He use to have a curly cue in the front that was SO cute now it's fucking gone. My husband has been in Iraq and now he's on an extended TDY (temp duty) and he's missed almost all of Ryan's firsts and now someone has fucking taken that away from us. I am so pissed I can't even see straight and my husband is even more pissed. I do not envy the person who cut his hair after he gets done with them. Who does that though? Who goes and cuts someone else's childs hair? I could understand if they had fucking asked first. But it takes some fucking balls to decide that someone else's child's hair is to long and cut it. NEVER mentioning it the parents. Maybe they hoped we wouldn't notice but how the fuck was I not supose to. The front when straightened went down to the tip of his nose. Now it doesn't even go down to his eyebrow and all the curl in front is gone. How the fuck am I not supose to nitice that. At first I thought it was my daughter who cut it but it's to fucking straight for a 6 year old to have done it. I think it might be awhile before I go back to my in-laws house.